once upon an time
by takumi of hoshido
Summary: grima reads the newspaper.
1. chepter 1

once upon an time…

there was an dragon named grima. he had many hobbies. he liked to destroy nations, manipulate humans, fight his sister, naga, chat with his 52nd cousin, anakos, and be worshipped. but there was one thing that topped all of that.

READING THE NEWSPAPAER!11!

the newspaper was grima's absolute favorite. it had so much information and was so pROFFESSIONAL! the pages were smooth to the touch and had easy to read print. it made him so so happy. he read them every morning and night.

but one fateful day…

chrom, the prince of ylisse, and rival to grima, was ready to fIGHT THE SUN- wait i mean grima. so then he decided to hold an meeting of how to fight that newspaper loving dragon god. he invitied his waifu, sumia, his tic tac, ruben, his butler, frederickson, his sibling, lissa, and lissas kid, owein, his strong bab, lucina, the dragon expert, nah, and inego for some reason.

everyone filed into the the meeting room, some grumbling and most of them confused. why were they in the planning room when it was an time of peace? we will never know. they all sat at the round table like the knights of the round table who like ham and jam and spam a lot. when everyone had settled, chrom stood up onto the table.

"chrom get down from there," lucina said.

"no im the exalt i do what i want!111!11!" chrom said.

lucina just sighed n let him do chrom things.

"ok so like i was sAYING,,,, i wanna fight grima," chrom yelled.

"Wait a second — you want to fight the fell dragon again? Do you even remember what happened last time we —" ruben started to say, be they were cut off by chrom.

"well exCUUSE mE tACTICiAN i didnt ask your opinion!" said chram.

ruben stood up and started walking towards the door. "I'm done with this. Meet me when you've cleared your mind," they said exasperatedly, exiting the room.

"youR gROUNDed yOUng tACTICIAn!" chrom scolded.

the tactician gave 0 shits. "ok fine," they said sassily.

"well good their gone. ruben is suuuch a party pooper," chrom said, sitting down on top of the table.

"heres a pillow milord," frederickbear said, handing an luxurious velvet pillow to his precious sempai milord.

"thanks fred," chrom said, sitting on the pillow.

frederick blushed, his sempai noticed him! aaAAAA

"MY SWORD HAND TREMBLES!" owein yelled. what was he even doing here.

"i agrEE! ok maybe we should use oweins sword hand," chrom suggested.

"uhh what if he gets killed? i'll be single and w/ out my bae," inigo said.

"and i wont have my wonderful child," wailed lissa!

chrom stopped for a moment to really ponder that descicion. it was very likely that owein wouldnt come back alive. and owain was really the only person who understood chrom! and he was his nephew.

"ok i take that back. no sword hand," said chrom.

"awwww ok," said owain.

inigo and lissa sighed in relief.

"has anyone considered destroying the newspaper factory? grima really loves the newpaper and if he lost that…" nah pointed out.

"excellent iDEA nope!" chrom said, standing up again, knocking over sumia's glass. sumia groaned. she had no idea why she married this man. his antics were ridiculous.

"its nah," nah said.

"whatever! nah! ok well now lETS DO IT," chorm said like shia le beouf.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	2. chepter 2

**A/N hello hello! welcome to the second chapter oops i mean chepter of this mess! Guest: i can tell u what ur realding. ur reading gold. That Guy: thank you thank you very much you get 500 capri suns**

CHEPTER 2 : fight me

meanwhile…..in the baby team hq…

"what the heck nah," inigo said slamming his beautiful hand on the table.  
the chaotic meeting with chrom had just ended, and the baby team met to figure out what the hell is going on. they all sat in a room with meme posters on the wall. unlike the royal meeting room, which had a round table, this one had a rectangle table. there were 5 chairs, but only 4 people were present. owein was sitting at the head of the table in a magestic chair, on his right, the dark haired dancer inigo, who just had a regular fold up chair. and on his left was brady, in a beach chair, lazily staring at the ceiling, and occasionally looking at his watch. the seat next to him, which was covered in stickers, was empty. the seat across from that was occupied by nah. it was a spinny chair waaay to big for the tiny dragon but who cares, it makes it even more fun.  
"what? i was just being rational," nah retorted, spinning in her spinny chair.  
"this is just an excuse to burn things again isNT IT NAH," inego groaned.  
owain placed his hand awkwardly on his kokoro buddy's shoulder like pyrrha nikos. bless pyrrha shes great protect her at all costs.  
nah stopped spinning in her spinny char and folded her arms.  
"so what if it is?" nah said full of sass.  
brady gasped, "nah thats against the rules u know that!"  
nah was abt to send sass back but before she could, an mysterious figure nyoooomed in. and then tripped.  
"cynthia! youre late! are you alright?" owain said, helping cynthia up.  
"¯\\_(ツ)_/¯" cynthia said, wiping the dust off of her skirt dress thing.  
"thats good. anyways, did you hear what chrom is gonna do to grima?" inigo said.  
"(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧." cynthia cheered, as she made her way to her fabulous chair.  
"no, no, unfortunately chrom is not gonna throw grima a party," brady sighed.  
"umu" cynthia replyed, propping her head up on her hands.  
"i feel. but chrom is going to destroy the newspaper factory," nah said.  
"which you suggested," inigo added, squinting at nah.  
"yeah," nah said, resuming spinning.  
":OOOOO" cynthia shouted.  
"yeah thats what we were discussing," owain said, mildly uncomfortable.  
"i wonder how the mission is going….." inigo pondered.

at the newspaper factory…..

chrom stood on a a rock. it was not a small rock. it wasnt really all the large either. it was and average sized rock. his cape flowed in the invisible anime protagonist wind, and so did his cerulean hair. frederick and ruben stood behind the lord. ruben was surveying the area and strategizing, muttering to theirself. frederickson wasn't really paying attention to his surroundings. he was admiring the beautiful chrom-sempai.  
"Hey. Freddybear," ruben said, snapping fred out of his trance. once ruben saw that frederick was listening, ruben continued, "Do you think that we should utilize our mounted units? It may become a little awkward with horses and dragons inside a factory. But it may be wise to have Sumia and Cordelia, who both have A level tomes and the skill Galefo-"  
"oh ruben going on about 'stats' and 'skills' and whatever! stop making things up!" chrom said, placing his hands on his hips.  
"But I'm trying to help you! And my name isn't Ruben, for the last time, its Ja-," ruben? groaned.  
"SHHHH your name is ruben. anyways i already have a plan," chrom said, cutting off the tall tactician.  
"Oh? Our little Exalt has a plan? Please, tell," ruben not ruben said snarkily.  
"well i say we use the manaketes to burn the paper and the taguels to rip stuff and like any mages for more fire power and the we can use the, uh," chrom looked at a smudged note written on his hand, " clark fryer. yes. clark fryer. to shoot even mORE fire from the air."  
"First off, who the hell is Clark, and second, you're basically copying the strategies that I discussed with my wife last night," ruben sighed, shaking their head.  
Frederick leaned towards ruben and whispered, "I think milord-sempai meant the Dark Fliers."  
"OHHH ok yeah. We should use the Dark Fliers. I just said that a minute ago," ruben said.  
"FINE WHATEVER LETS DO THIS," chrom shouted. again like shia le beouf.  
chrom then called panne, yarne, nowi, tiki, and nah. nah was smiling and giggling uncontrollably. thats not a good sign. yarne was looking scared and panne was being serious. nowi was looking at the clouds.  
"ok so u guys so inside and fuck shit up. manaketes u get to burn everything and taguels break the machinery," chrom commanded.  
"YES!" nah cheered, grabbing her dragonstone.  
"not yet nah! chram hasnt told us evarything yet! lol!," nowi said.  
"okey mom," nah said, pouting, playing with her orange braids.  
chrom then gathered ricken, henry, miriel, and tharja. henry was smiling but thats nothing new. he always smiles. and tharja was looking bored af. miriel was reading a science book and ricken was chroms #1 fan.  
"LISTEN UP GAY WIZARDS," chrom shouted. miriel dropped her book in surprise and tharj glared at chrom. henry wasnt affected. he just stood still.  
"ok so you guys get to support the manaketes in burning stuff. everyone split up and find a section that the manaketes havent gotten yet," chrom continued.  
tharja sighed and henry said, "caw." miriel picked up her science book and started reading again.  
"good point my dear birb mage," said chrom.  
sumia and cordelia came up to chrom. sumia, chrom's amazing wife, tapped chroms bare shoulder.  
"hey the tactician who you never let say their actual name told us you have a plan for us," sumia said.  
"oh ye. u guys fly above the factory and burn it with ur valflame tomes," chrom stated.  
"okey," sumia and cordy said in unison bc theyre eachothers baes.  
"OK NOW THAT EVERY ONE IS KNOWS WHAT TO DO JUST D O IT," chrom said, pumping his fist into the air.  
all of the fighters yelled and flew or crawled or ran to the factory and started destroying it. especially nah bc thats her fav thing.


	3. chepter 3

**A/N oh go ds thank u all for the wonderful reviews i love u all,, sorry for the late chapter lmao..now...LETS BEEGIN**

CHEPTER 3: revelation

It seemed like an regular day for grima. The birds were chirping. The bees were buzzing. The puny human sacrifices were screaming in agony. But one thing was very very off.

where the hELL was his newspaper.

usually the fell dragons beloved nerwspaper was delivered at 8:00 sharp. it was already 10:00! grima was very very nervous and angry. it made him wanna wreck ylisseee again. like wow. dont fuck w/ the fell dragons fav thing.

grima sighed angrily. wiht nothing else to do, he glided over to his livin room and flipped on the TV with his giant claws. an horrid sight was upon the screen. grima screeched in disbeeleef, his many eyes glued to the scene.

"…Today disgruntled newspaper makers were not able to work, since sometime last night the newspaper factory was destroyed and on fire. We do not know what kind of criminals perpetrated such an oddly specific crime. PAUL BLARTH, the MALL MARTH COP, and BBC Sherlock, and their crew are now investigating the incident. The Newspaper Anna has announced that unfortuneately there will be no physical newspapers for about a month or longer. They apologize for the inconvenience, and suggest that you peruse the digital edition. This is News Anna, signing off-"

grima forcefully turned off the television. tears wjere forming in his fireey eyes. teh sadNESS quickly transformed into pURE DREAGON RA GE?! he then summoned his his iPhone 9S (his pride and joy) and agrily dialed his - ugh - sister, the divine dragon naga.

"Hello-" naga, answered, only to be cut off by grimas screeching.

"DID YOU FRIUCKING SEE WHAST HAPPENED TI THE NEWSPAPER FACTORY? DID YOU DO THIS? I THOUGH WE W ERE O ION," grima screamed.

"Woah, woah,,, bro u gotta chill like woah. I think you know who did this :oo it wasnt me tho. Lik u said, were on war vacation ;)" naga replied.

"oh. … . .wAIT..ITS THAT NERD CHROM AND HIS CREW THE SHEEPERDS ISNT IT?" grima shouted, slamming his fist on the table.

"lmao ya. good luck dealing w/ that bro ^u^" naga said, and then she hung up. whatta jerk.

after that call, grima placed down his phone. he squinted his eyes. what was he gonna do? the newspapaer was his favorite, and those meddling mortals RUINED it for him.

well there was only one thing to do

 _GO TO WHOLE FOODS FOR A SHOWDOWN_


End file.
